i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
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Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
fourth time’s the charm
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.