That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
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Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars