I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
You Might Also Like
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I didn’t come here to be called names
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.