Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
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everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Ghost costume 😂
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Worst bar ever.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that