Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
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Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
this is so top tier i cant
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta