My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
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[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
We’re all getting idioter.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
greetings!
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.