*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
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All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
They got a point!
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Every time my phone rings
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes