It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered