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The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
That’s fair
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face