Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
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Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence