Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
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It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Don’t snitch tag.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy