The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
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I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things