Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Day 2 of my diet
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee