*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
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Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.