It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
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oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
My dog ate my work from home.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist