ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
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god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put