Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
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The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?