me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
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*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
this has to be peak English
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous