You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
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As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-