Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
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[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
This will never not be funny 😭
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth