I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
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1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Icarus loved hot wings.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.