dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
You Might Also Like
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
When I said I liked it rough.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it