I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
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“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors