[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
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DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered