Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
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Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.