reminder
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IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Feels
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming