I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
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Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?