Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
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this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Tell me you get it…🤣
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.