Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
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WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Happy Star Wars day!
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.