[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
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Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
when someone compliments me
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.