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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.