If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
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My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
look at me when i’m typing to you
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.