[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
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Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.