Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
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I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.