everyone has that one prude friend
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*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.