i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
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Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.