[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
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Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.