shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
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If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”