“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
You Might Also Like
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.