Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
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*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.