[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
You Might Also Like
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
*Inspirational Tweets*
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.