You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
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Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?