the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
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Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.