*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
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DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Noah
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.