Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
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My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough