cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
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i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.