Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
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me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.