You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
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Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.