[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
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#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Print is alive and well!!!
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup