*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
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My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.